“He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. I became tired and defeated, disgusted with my body image and angry toward anyone who was tall, thin, or beautiful. I started realizing that I was just a normal woman who would be too flat, too fat, too old, or too average to compete with the likes of Internet porn. I tried to satisfy his gourmet tastes, but now I know that porn creates an insatiable appetite that cannot be satisfied.
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Related: Sex Isn’t the Solution to Your Husband’s Porn Problem Extensions, blonde highlights, nail salons, low cut shirts, diet plans, lipo, push-up bras…the list goes on and on. This one is gonna be a problem, right? In true form, I gave it my all. Well, I’m a chunky, 5’1” brunette who has to shop in the kids department for jeans. The girl he really wants has long legs, a flat tummy, and enormous breasts…uh oh. My goal was to meet his needs so that he wouldn’t reject or abandon me, which was a core fear for me most of my life.
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My husband had no need for an independent wife. None of that interested him, so it seemed silly for me to focus on any of that in my own life. They had no back-stories, no history, no dreams. I started realizing that he looked at women in “1D,” so to speak. I had become so enmeshed in what my husband wanted that my dream actually became for him to fulfill all of his dreams. Wanting to set goals for myself or plan out and pursue a dream of mine means I’m too independent. The girl he really wants only has one dimension, so I should abandon my personal dreams or goals. I was emotionally vacant, but at least I wasn’t frigid. I was dying a little each day…he had no idea or capacity to care. There were many years where I just willed myself to be with him because I couldn’t stand the guilt of making his addiction return or worsen. There were many times where he played into my fear of his addiction being my fault…if we were together more often he wouldn’t have these issues. Related: 4 Things to Remember About Your Husband’s Porn Problem I felt that I needed to fulfill or at least try anything he asked of me in order for him not to use porn.
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Intimacy and tenderness are not on the menu. The women in pornography have seen it all and done it all. To not want to have “his kind” of sex means I’m frigid. The girl he really wants will do anything, so I better step up my game. They were these beautiful, wish-granting beauties and I was the nagging old hag who wanted to talk about the bank account and his “browsing history.” How could I win this battle? I didn’t want to be labeled “controlling” so I enabled him over and over again in order to satisfy my need to feel loved and wanted. I found myself trying to deny my real feelings and emotions about my husband’s addiction in order to be attractive to him. They just passively follow through with no hesitation or questioning. There are no additions or subtractions to the man’s request. The women in pornography do what they’re asked. To have an opposing opinion means I’m controlling. The girl he really wants is passive, so I shouldn’t get angry or have an opinion about his addiction. I didn’t want to be labeled “demanding” so I became “Darren’s wife” with one sole purpose…not to have an identity of my own. Our life revolved around him and his needs, which in turn gave me a false sense of security. on a weeknight to play a sport I knew or cared nothing about.
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Where did he want to eat for dinner? What movie did he want to see? I even went so far as to buy roller hockey gear and drive with him out to a dark, damp roller rink an hour away at 11 p.m. Therefore, if I try making our life all about my husband and leave my needs at the door he won’t need pornography anymore. The women in pornography, on the other hand, don’t require anything of the participant.
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The girl my husband really wants has no desires or needs of her own, so I should abandon mine. My husband never verbalized any of this, it was purely my own insecurity that led me to believe that if I could only change in some way, I could maintain control of the outcome…this was the ultimate lie. It is because of these unrealistic expectations I placed on our relationship that I chased after these lies and accepted them as a reality in my life. I required my husband’s approval and looked to him as my compass and guide because of insecurities that I was unwilling to discuss with Christ. I swallowed them hook, line, and sinker because the idol of my heart was my husband and not God. This post has been updated as of February 2021.īefore I start, I want to be very clear as to why I believed these lies.